The Heart-Broken Bad Mom Blues

In the five weeks since my daughter has been born, I've been extremely luckily to have an amazing support system that has pulled together to make sure that everyone in the family is being attended to the in the most appropriate fashion. My mom and my in-laws have really donated almost all of their free time to ensure that my two and a half year old is being occupied while I dedicate my time to the newest addition to the family. I mean, even though my newborn (can you still call them a newborn when they're over a month old?) has almost doubled her weight in her short time here on the planet ...

...she still needs me more than anyone else at this point (if only Daddy had boobs!). I thought that having constant playmates for my son would make the transition from only child to big brother a little bit easier for him, and it really did seem to be working. He didn't take much notice to the baby when we brought her home. He was more interested in all the fun toys he was getting when people came to visit, often asking people where his present was as soon as they walked in the door. I thought for sure that I would see the wrath once Daddy went back to work and he was left ALONE with Mommy and the attention-sucking vampire baby, but again, in my limited experience being alone with the two kids (only 4 days in 5 weeks) there really wasn't an issue...or so I thought.

Tonight after dinner my husband took the baby and I spent a little one on one time with my little guy. We played "I'm gonna get you" and then we played a simple game of throw and catch. Seems pretty harmless, right? My toddler caught his first ball tonight, which was an extremely exciting milestone, not only for my l'il guy, but also for my husband, who has pipe dreams of his one and only son playing for the Blue Jays. Again, a pretty big day for everyone, so where do these bad mom blues come in? CUE SOB STORY...

Each night we read a bedtime story and I tuck him in. I kiss him and say "I love you, good night" to which he normally responds "Love You, Night, Night". Pretty simple. Tonight, I got a different response. One that melted my heart initially, and then broke it after the words actually sunk in. He said "Mommy, thank you for playing catch with me". At first I didn't understand him, but when I finally got the words he was saying I got teary-eyed. The free time that I dedicated to him and him alone tonight was so impactful that he felt the need to thank me. Honestly...that's tragic. I've been so occupied making sure that everyone is getting attention, I've lost sight of the importance of spending some one on one time with him. I'm not sure why I thought that filling all of his free time with fun events with other people would be enough, but that truly isn't the case. Even a 15 minute game of catch with Mommy meant something to him. This just means that even though I have a baby attached at the boob for most of the day, I really, really, really need to make an effort to spend some quality time with my son ALONE. No baby in a chair, baby in a swing or baby on the monitor in the sidelines. The baby needs to be out of sight, out of earshot and out of his mind. Seems obvious. And the fact that it's taken me this long to realize it is what really makes me sad.