Take A Load Off Frannie

As you all know, it's been my mission, even before I gave birth, to get back to my previous self. I have been so sick of looking like an overweight Librarian from The Hilarious House of Frightenstein... (if you don't know this show, you MUST watch it just once. It'll blow your mind - please see below for photo of said character - yes, when I say I look like the Librarian, I mean mustache et al.)

...but I have a ways to get back to "normal". I figured I should definitely start with some easy stuff...Dye my hair, paint my nails...and then move on to the tougher stuff when I can. So, I grabbed some L'Oreal and got to it. Of course, I followed the instructions to a tee, and my hair looks GLORIOUS, with the exception of those dastardly grey hairs that continue to boing out of my head like pubic hair...and don't think those grey hairs changed pigment. Of course not...they remain as grey as the day I gave birth. Good LORD! Someone throw me a bone, here!

My mother took pity on me and my disgustingly dry and gross fingers and toes. She, bless her heart, paid an esthetician to COME TO MY HOUSE and give me a mani/pedi ON MY OWN COUCH!!! How luxurious is that? All I needed was someone to fan me and feed me grapes! Of course, the moment the lady finished the top coat on my nails, the baby started to cry and I had to change her diaper...so much for the mani!

So, the easy stuff is now out of the way (until I can find a more powerful hair colour!)...it's time to move on to the tough stuff...

It's been 6 weeks since I became a mom for the second time. I can hardly believe it! It seems like only yesterday, but in actuality it's been 42 days! That's crazy. In those 42 days my goal for losing all of my baby weight has essentially been at the bottom of my list of "things to do". Yes, I was the anti-Gisele and whored my body out to the garbage monster for 10 months and gained an obnoxious 46 pounds (yes, you read that right...aren't you supposed to gain less weight the second time around?????) In these past 6 weeks I've only lost HALF that weight.

Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Dude, it's been 6 weeks...give yourself a break"...and to those that are nodding their head, I thank you for your kindness. I am still in my maternity pants...and not the maternity pants that I started out with way back in November, but rather the same maternity pants that I wore 7 weeks ago. Like my fat pregnant lady maternity pants. Those, I'm gonna pop in two days maternity pants...those same maternity pants that I wore when I had an 8 pound baby, amniotic fluid, placenta and expanded uterus encapsulated in my midsection. So, I'm telling you that even though a doctor pulled all of that junk out of my body, the tummy has still decided that it doesn't feel that its necessary to shrink. AND of course, I REFUSE to buy a larger size of normal pants ...so until I lose this weight I'm either going to be wearing muumuus, drawstring pants or maternity pants until I can squeeze my thighs into my old jeans.

So, for fun (or rather punishment), I grabbed a belt of mine from the closet, just to see how it fit. It was too small, and when I say too small, I mean the two ends of the belt didn't touch. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Sure, I was bed ridden for the first 3 weeks, but really? I breastfeed 24 hours a day. Isn't that supposed to burn calories? (please note: I'm completely omitting the fact that I ram food into my mouth almost as much as I shove my boob in my daughter's mouth). So, now that I've hit the 6 week milestone, it's officially time to get off my wide load and get into the gym (or do some kind of physical exertion).

Much to my chagrin (as well as my husband's), my 6 week appointment with my OB has been pushed back because she's on vacation. I will not get the go-ahead for any exercise until 8 weeks!!! So that's another 2 weeks of being a lardo. I can hear Gisele laughing from here....BITCH!

So what is my plan after I get the go-ahead? I "plan" on working out hardcore. Now, those of you who really know me, know that I'm really not going to work out hardcore. I pretend...but the actuality is that it's not going to happen. I have two kids at home, one who is a stationary blob and the other can't sit still. I'm not going to get any exercise with these two. I can't go for long walks to burn off some calories because my toddler would NEVER sit in a stroller for long enough. I can't run around after my two year old because I would either be completely ignoring my baby or giving her shaken baby syndrome in the Bjorn.

So what's a girl to do? My goal is to take a kickboxing class. Toronto Parks and Rec offers a FREE kickboxing course given by the meanest, ass-kickingest dude I've ever met. I signed up last fall but had to drop out when I found out I was pregnant, BUT the four classes that I DID do made me feel like an exercise rockstar. I left each class wanting to vomit, and in my mind, that means that I had a great workout. Now I just have to cross my fingers that my OB gives me the okay. I don't want to do any more damage to my already-cut-in-half body AND... I have to convince my husband that he REALLY wants to spend some quality time with the two kids for an hour and a half each week...Not sure which one will be more difficult.

And of course, this is old news, but it's never been posted on this blog...here's to some Gisele bashing. Trust me, we all understand the benefits of breastfeeding...but not all women CAN breastfeed, Ms. Bundchen...Everything doesn't come as easily for SOME people...but it must be nice to be perfect. (Have a read if you haven't read this already...)

http://www.thecelebritytruth.com/supermodel-gisele-bundchen-breastfeeding-law/0018661