Oh Elton...only you could sing this song. A nice, older, homosexual man could only have written this song with his beautiful young, supple, Canadian manlover in mind. Because you certainly have never been, and presumably will never be, a mammoth pregnant woman who has relegated herself to sleeping alone in her basement on her pullout couch.
Yes, everyone, this is my life. I have officially commenced my 34th week of pregnancy number two and my reward for this milestone is complete and utter uncomfortableness (if that's even a word!). Not only has my already overly hormonal body been thrown into sweat induced overdrive with the obnoxiously humid weather we're having, but I'm also SO enormous that I can NOT find a comfortable position to sleep in. This, in turn, has caused not only me, but also, my poor, wonderful husband to suffer through sleepless night after sleepless night.
Yesterday, I finally had enough. I packed my cool (meaning temperature, DEFINITELY not fashionable...) sheets and body pillow and marched my gigantic corpse down to the dungeon where it belongs. At least I felt a little better about my choice to move when I realized the temperature in the basement was several degrees cooler than anywhere else in the house. At least my goosebumps could keep me company in my lonely slumber.
I realize that as women progress into the later stages of pregnancy, discomfort is on
e of the main issues we all have in common. The baby gets bigger with less space to grow and move. The bladder becomes a trampoline, or punching bag for the little bean, and if you CAN make it to the bathroom before mild incontinence sets in, you're WELL ahead of the game. This is also the stage when most women suffer from the dreaded stretchmarks - that final kick in the groin from Mother Nature - her way of thanking us for all the hard work we've done so far creating a new life. Most women at this phase also suffer from restless sleep. Either because of the terrible heartburn they can suffer with (some have described it to me as a drowning feeling they have when they lie down flat...waking up choking on bile - GOOD GRIEF!) and others feel the weight of their baby pressing down on different nerves and ligaments. Hence their sleep becomes excruciatingly painful.
e of the main issues we all have in common. The baby gets bigger with less space to grow and move. The bladder becomes a trampoline, or punching bag for the little bean, and if you CAN make it to the bathroom before mild incontinence sets in, you're WELL ahead of the game. This is also the stage when most women suffer from the dreaded stretchmarks - that final kick in the groin from Mother Nature - her way of thanking us for all the hard work we've done so far creating a new life. Most women at this phase also suffer from restless sleep. Either because of the terrible heartburn they can suffer with (some have described it to me as a drowning feeling they have when they lie down flat...waking up choking on bile - GOOD GRIEF!) and others feel the weight of their baby pressing down on different nerves and ligaments. Hence their sleep becomes excruciatingly painful.I luckily suffer from the non-choking affliction (phew!) BUT my sympathies go out to all who have to endure 
those TUMS filled days and nights. My torture is merely NUMBNESS. I generally fall asleep on my side without issue, but my body wakes itself up every 20 minutes or so to let me know that pins and needles have set in. In addition to the burning sensation I'm feeling, I also am afflicted with a dull, aching pain in my hips . So, I flip to the other side...but guess what???? Sleep sets in just in time to be woken up AGAIN to flip! And this goes on and on and ON AND ON all night! I would also love to lie on my back, which normally is not my position of choice, but as my options are extremely limited, it's my last resort. BUT, if you've ever been pregnant before, you know that lying on your back is trouble because the weight of the baby can press on an artery in the heart and cause light-headedness and nausea (and can sometimes even affect the amount of oxygen getting to the fetus!).
those TUMS filled days and nights. My torture is merely NUMBNESS. I generally fall asleep on my side without issue, but my body wakes itself up every 20 minutes or so to let me know that pins and needles have set in. In addition to the burning sensation I'm feeling, I also am afflicted with a dull, aching pain in my hips . So, I flip to the other side...but guess what???? Sleep sets in just in time to be woken up AGAIN to flip! And this goes on and on and ON AND ON all night! I would also love to lie on my back, which normally is not my position of choice, but as my options are extremely limited, it's my last resort. BUT, if you've ever been pregnant before, you know that lying on your back is trouble because the weight of the baby can press on an artery in the heart and cause light-headedness and nausea (and can sometimes even affect the amount of oxygen getting to the fetus!). So, figuring I'm not ever going to be able to find a comfortable sleeping position for myself, there's no sense in taking the hubz down with me, right? One person in the household needs to get some semblance of sleep. So, martyr that I am, I made the sacrifice. As I lie on my thin Ikea cushion, shifting from left to right, I can only say, "Screw you and your ratty rug, Sir Elton!", as I know that's he's sprawled out on his over sized pillow top King mattress, cuddling all nice and warmly against his hot piece of Canadian ass.
No comments:
Post a Comment