Desperately Seeking Pedicure

Okay...it's not THAT bad...but really... I'm in dire need! I made a list of "to do's" for the first long weekend of the "summer". I wanted to plant my annuals, weed the garden, clean the house and enjoy the weather. Seems like a pretty good list, no? So after completing numbers 1,2 and 3 on my agenda, I decided to shower before working on #4. That's when I had a look at my toes. I realize that I must seem like a foot fetishist because ALL I do is talk about my stinkin' tootsies, and the reality is that I actually hate feet. But again, my feet are massive logs of Flintstonium at the moment, and the only shoes I can squeeze onto my peds are flip flops. This is where my crisis commences...

After my shower I notice that my previous pedicure (done eons ago when the continents were all still linked together) had chipped and was looking pretty terrible. So, I decided to take off the old polish and start anew. Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that I had a planet attached to my mid-section and could BARELY get my feet close enough to get Kleenex to polish remover to toes. Thankfully I was able to clean up the initial mess that I had, but was completely helpless to repaint them with the marksman precision that is required for a pedicure.

Now, you may say, "DUDE, go to the Vietnamese nail place at the end of your street and quit your yappin' already. Your toes are making me vomit" and to this I would reply, "I understand your nausea, trust me...but I feel like I can't." My hesitance to enter the nail salon stems from the pregnancy dos and don'ts list that every soon-to-be mother is introduced to in order to put the fear of God into her. Items that fall on this list include:

* No drinking, smoking or drugs (obviously)


* Limit your seafood (not a problem for me, as I'm vegetarian)


* No soft cheeses (not normally a problem, but this pregnancy I've been DYING for bocconcini...)


* No changing of kitty litter (PERFECT! Another excuse to get my husband to clean up after that killer cat from hell!)


* Limit the amount of caffeine


* ...and the list grows and grows and grows daily


Now, one could consider me a bit of an extremist when it comes to things to avoid while pregnant. When I read the word "LIMIT" in the don'ts section, my brain translates it into "IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU AVOID THIS THING AT ALL COSTS" because if (GOD forbid) anything were to happen to my little beaner, I would go through the catalogue of everything I'd done over the past 10 months and blame myself for what had happened because of my weakness.


I read somewhere (don't ask me the source...) that one should limit their visits to nail salons because some nail products contain harmful chemicals. When one has repeated exposure to those chemicals (some of which contain formaldehyde) it can cause birth defects in their fetuses. So in the craziness that is my brain, I can't even walk by a nail salon without holding my breath or else I feel like I'm doing this:





Therefore, going to a nail salon is basically ensuring that I will give birth to Rusty from Mask.




So, where does that leave me? I'm not sure. I guess I could ask my poor husband to give me a pedicure, but I'm pretty sure I've emasculated him enough for this lifetime. I could always go toenail-naked, which in most seasons is quite bearable, but in the summer, not the most attractive of options. Lastly, I suppose I could go to the nail salon and take my chances...but the cons do still seem to outweigh the proson that option...What the world needs now is not love, but rather an esthetician that makes house calls. If you know of one, PLEASE let me know. Until then, just look away and don't judge me fore my lower digits will remain unkempt.